Purposed Parent Connected Child Podcast Episode 106 - How to Listen So Your Child Hears You
Welcome to the Purposed Parent/Connected Child podcast – Episode 106 – How to Listen So Your Child Hears You
Thank you for sharing your day with me. I pray this podcast gives you the awareness and tools you need to STOP being a GOOD mom and BECOME the GODLY mom God entrusts you to be. Then you will be the SET-APART woman PURPOSELY raising children to chase CHRIST over culture.
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Now on to the episode...
How blessed we are that God gave us the intelligence and capacity to speak. We’re able to formulate and share thoughts, ideas, express opinions, love, and emotions. Yet, with the ability to speak, share, and feel, an alarming percentage of teens feel unheard by parents. On the flip side of this 27% of kids who feel like parents don’t support them by listening, 71% of parents believe they’re supporting their teens in the way they need.
Studies indicate that teens stop listening to their parents or seeking their approval around the ages of 13 to 14. It’s reported that studies include MRI brain scans that providing neurological proof explaining how kids begin to separate from their parents. These researchers say that before the age of 12, children experience pleasure form the sound of their mother’s voice. After this age, the attraction and rewards felt internally begin to come from new voices.
The researchers compare this shift as similar to the way a newborn instinctively becomes attuned to the sound of mother’s voice for survival. Researchers believe teens are attracted to voices distinctly different from their parents as they move toward separation and autonomy.The researchers claim that kids are supposed to shift away from parents because they are hard-wired to prioritize the voices and opinions of others. I disagree.
I believe that the only voice any of us are pre-wired to receive is the voice of God.
This is why it’s crucial that we steward the time we have with our children with eternal perspective. The years we have with our children, although seemingly long at times, are actually very limited. Combined with the distractions of life, the time we actually have to nurture our children in Christ and mentor the way to Him should be protected and purposed with intention.
So, back to communication. If children don’t feel loved, seen, and heard, evidence proves they will go elsewhere for validationand connection. Most parents want healthy connection with their children, which starts with communication.
If most parents believe they’re good listeners, why do so many teens believe they’re not heard?
On the flip side, how many parents complain that their children don’t listen to them?
One reason is that we live in a microwave culture. Fast. Easy. Give it to me now. If you don’t, I’m moving on. Too many distractions attack us from every side – both as parents and for our children, and we continue to allow, even invite those distractions entrance to our home and hearts.
Yet, with all the changes we’ve seen in the way of life over the last generation or two, something hasn’t changed. What is it? A need for love and acceptance. The need to be heard and to feel understood. As Christian mothers, we must realize the need for security in our home. It starts with God and should end with Him. Let me explain.
The way you see yourself, your identity in Christ is the beginning point. If you are secure in your relationship with God through Jesus, you will realize the importance of instilling that security and trust in your children. In order to help your child know, not just feelthey’re seen, you must be intentional in the way you help your child craft identity in Christ and the way you model how that relationship should look.
I have several episodes in the Purposed Parent Connected Child podcast that give instructions on how to build this type of relationship. Today we’ll focus on how to listen so your child feels heard - and hears youin return.
Life is busy. However, there are steps you can take in this fast-paced lifestyle that will help you begin a pattern of listeningthat would otherwise be lost in the shuffle of life.
Although I referenced statistics of teens in the beginning of this episode, I want to be clear that the steps I’ll list now will help build connection and restore relationships in that age group. Yet, as you utilize them with younger children in age appropriate ways, you will also build the foundation you need to avoid or lessen separation as they mature.
God doesn’t desire that you or your family maintain what the world calls “typical” relationships or lifestyle. Our Heavenly Father is the author of love and family. He desires that you build strong connection through Him, even when it is time for your children to build a life outside of your home.
1. Phones/Electronics – We all know this one is a major culprit and divider in the home. Often moms claim to never have time for God’s Word, yet have more than enough time to scroll for hours. Our children see the prioritization and recognize when what we do doesn’t match what we say. They see where our priorities rest and will likely pattern their life in the same way.
2. Lectures – How often do you have conversation with your child/teen versus lecturing? Often parents think they’re conversing with their teen, yet are really only spouting another lecture, then moving on. Conversations are meant to be a back and forth dialogue that builds connection, communication skills, intelligence, and wisdom. Instead of cramming a years’ worth of information into a twenty minute lecture, think of how to have a true conversation that shows your child you respect what they have to say (even when you don’t always agree) and show them how to share thoughts and emotions without being reprimanded on the spot.
3. Reprimands – Which leads us to this next topic. Teens often feel that parents only talk when it’s time to reprimand. Who wants to be around people who only shame or correct? When you listen to your child or teen talk, are you trying to understand what they’re conveying or are you interrupting often to point out what they’ve done wrong - or should have done differently? Teens often shut down communication when they believe parents only correct and never listen.
4. Convenience – As kids grow older, conversations can be less convenient for parents. Somehow, right when mom feels like it’s time for bed, the teen is ready to open up about something huge. Whether it’s in the middle of your busy day at work, right when you’re closing your eyes to sleep, or sitting on the toilet, kids and teens rarely pick convenience as a priority. Listen or eventually they will stop making the effort to talk at all.
5. Topic Blocks – Does your child ever come to you with topics that make you uncomfortable? I hope they do. It can be embarrassing to discuss certain topics with your child or teen. In today’s society especially, children are exposed to topics adults even find uncomfortable. If it’s not you explaining topics or answering questions in age appropriate language, your child will find other sources that may not be truthful, safe, godly, or healthy.
6. Interruptions – How well do you really listen when your child speaks? Do you hear what your children say or are you interrupting to interject your own thoughts and wishes? Even when you want to jump in and share your thought, allow your child or teen the courtesy of finishing what they are trying to communicate. Repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure you understand what they mean, and pause before you offer your own thoughts. Pray for God’s wisdom and guidance for connection with your child so you can connect them to Christ.
7. Eye-Contact – Over time, eye-contact has suffered due to schedules, distractions, and the big culprit I mentioned at the beginning of this list – electronics. Multi-tasking is a way of life. It may be when you’re cooking, driving, reading, scrolling, working, or doing another activity that requires your attention that your child or teen comes to you for connection and communication. If you make the effort to stop what you’re doing - or if needed, schedule time right after you finish a task, you’ll ensure your child you’re looking forward to hearing what they have to say and value what they think.
Remember, communication is a gift from God. It should be used for His glory and to guide not only your own heart to Him, but to shepherd the hearts of the precious children He has entrusted to you.
If you’d like more information and practical steps in strengthening communication and listening with your children, Purposed Parent Connected Child Episode 091, "Ten Ways to Get Your Child to Listen," shares ways to connect with your child so they hear what you say. You can listen to this episode or read the transcript on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or on my website at terrihitt.com.
Dear Heavenly Father, You alone are good. Holy. Loving. Kind. Thank you for the precious gifts you have entrusted to us. Your children. Father, we are human. We make mistakes. We need Your wisdom and direction each second. Help us to remember to listen for Your voice and to heed Your Words. Enable us to carry Your wisdom as we hear and speak to our children. At whatever age our children are, equip us to mentor them straight to You by the way we react and speak. May our lives and obedience to You sow Your love and truth so clearly that we have close connection with You and our children. Carry us, Oh Father in the ways only You can. Restore what we may have damaged and make Your mercies shown. In the precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.
Raising children is challenging. No one has all the answers because each child is unique as are parenting styles and family dynamics. By connecting with and knowing your children as you maintain purposed growth in Christ, you will be better prepared for any situation you face.
That’s why you hear me share about the Set-Apart Collective in this podcast. I work with professionals who care about making Jesus known to their children. Are you a high-achieving woman who loves Jesus, but is so busy with the rush of work and daily life that you feel like you’re being drained like the water in your bathtub? Do you yearn to get closer to Jesus and show Him to your kids so you will create a love that will last into eternity? The desire is there, but your days spiral out of control before you even think about opening your Bible.
Do you ever stop to think that you are the first Jesus your child will see? Let me remind you there is hope. There is a way you can be equipped to raise kids who chase Christ over culture. If you want a connected relationship with Christ and your children that leads them to your side and His feet, instead of them seeking validation from peers, I have an 8-step program to move you from frustrated to fulfilled. I will show you how to reflect Jesus in a way that attracts your family to a connected relationship that lasts into eternity.
Remember, godly parenting is rooted in relationship with Christ and the mindset you carry. If you don’t want peers and culture to be the main influence over your child, if you desire to parent to “prepare” your child for eternity with Christ, not repair your relationship with them, the Set-Apart Collective will arm you with a Christ-centered Motherhood Mindset Model™, and create a Purposed Parenting Plan™. You’ll also deepen your identity in Christ so you can mentor the way for your children to do the same. You will be a purposed mother with an intentional mind and heart set on Christ and your family and you will have the tools to raise set apart kids as you parent the heart, not simply the behavior.
Does this sound like a lifeline to help you be that set-apart mom God has entrusted you to be? Visit terrihitt.com/coaching and click the link for a free, no obligation conversation call with me. This is a strategic call where I will hear your biggest struggle and show you how to turn it into a blessing that will bring you closer to Christ and your children. It’s time for believing mothers to be purposed in preparing their children for a lifetime pursuit of Christ. Time is short. Make yours matter for eternity.
One last thing to remember - if you’re not purposed in knowing Jesus and showing Him to the next generation, the world will likely sway your children away from Christ. I pray that what you hear on this podcast enables you to stop being a good mom and focus on being a godly parent. Until next week, keep looking Up while focusing on new ways to parent with eternal purpose and connection with your children and Christ.